Waiting to be Inspired?

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Are you inspired? Do you live in inspired life? What inspires you? Are you waiting to be inspired?

Without answers to these questions one can always feel there is something missing. For example being raised as a good girl I followed the rules, did what was expected of me and found myself feeling depressed and useless at age 30.  Funny enough I didn’t feel I could admit this feeling of lack to my friends, my family, but most importantly to myself.

The question in my head that played constantly was, what is wrong with me? I must not be trying hard enough to make my life work. Self-hate flared & I headed to the gym, my holy place.  Seeing myself in the mirror somehow seemed to ground me and I so enjoyed how my body felt after a workout. The tension lessened and I felt calmer.

Every next day was a new chance to pull it together.  Weeks went by, months went by, years went by.  I was in a holding pattern that seemed to work.  Ruminating on the standards that I could not seem to meet was not for me.  My focus remained fixed on my “Holy Trinity”.  Keep up appearances (For god’s sake smile ESPECIALLY when feeling sad, mad or lonely), sell designer cosmetics in order to purchase designer clothes, and keep the faith that the right man for me was right around the corner.

One day everything inside me that I was holding at bay changed when I was asked out on a date.  I heard myself say “I want to be inspired” when asked what kind of movie I wanted to see.  Surprised at what had come out of me and not sure of the response I would get, I watched closely for the man’s reaction.  There it was, an utterly confused and blank look.  As I sat there during the date later that week watching another mindless action flick, try as I might I could not ignore the plea that had bubbled its way up from my heart to my conscious mind.  “I NEED to be Inspired!”  Hmmm… what DID inspire me?  It is funny to me now, but I got a big fat blank when I search the recesses of my recent life experiences, people, places and things I had been focusing on.  I felt so removed from the mainstream.

I look back now and realize that the prolific song by Leonard Cohen described exactly the bubble that I had chosen to live in for years and years.  The artistic expression of the video version below speaks to many of the women I found myself surrounded by 10 years ago:

https://youtu.be/7knVDvbRJ30

Waiting, waiting, waiting.  Every year draining a bit more of my precious energy. Watching watching watching.  WTF?!  What was that?  Who was that?  Certainly not my authentic self!  As I ask myself this question now, the answer is obvious.  As a child I had made a decision to believe what was being modelled for me & for generations of women around & behind me:

My “Life” will officially start when I find a man, settle down & start a family.

Well, that sounds like a good idea, besides everyone is doing it, aren’t they?  Well, the stable, content people are!  The thing was, for me, the longer I contorted my big being Self into that teeny tiny belief box, the harder it was to play the part and keep the faith.

beay 

Depression, anxiety and illness are a powerful elixir.  For those who decide to choose again, like I did, I promise you there is a whole new life waiting to be birthed.  I discovered that waiting took me to a dead end.  Actually, it was a dead end to the external world providing anything but more and larger amounts of suffering and solving.  There was no miracle out there!  As desperate as I was to be inspired and find meaning for my life, there was a part of me that was waiting on me to ask HER about inspiring HERSELF.  Wow.

Choose again!  Choose again!  My intuition is currently through the roof and I wake up every day with great internal and external new ideas for every aspect of my fabulous new life.  I am literally a fountain of ideas and new actions to the point where it is challenging to sit and write a post!  I experience my choice of powerful self expression along with delicate care for my sensitive loving heart.  I would say that the biggest boost I gave myself and my new life was making the decision to only spend time with people who celebrate me and inspire me and vice versa.  After making that choice, the past three months have produced so much joy inside me it is hard to find the words.

How about you?  I would love to hear what inspires you.  Is it the same thing as 10 years ago?  Is it the same thing as last week?  Once plugged into the flow of my unique self inspiration others are mentioning that I am inspiring, ha ha!  This is the BEST compliment I have ever recived!

 

 

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