As I emerged from my parent’s home as a young person then from my mother’s home as a young adult, a hideous caricature of mashed together chaos stepped on the stage of modern society in the middle of old school Canada. It was the 1980’s with loud makeup, proud big hair and shoulder pads leading the way for young narcissists to excel at whatever they did.
The cavern my true self resided in was so deep, dark and wretched it was lost in a dream of a faraway nightmare. Any careless thought as to who I really was got struck down with laser like precision before it became an idea. My reality was the people and places that surrounded me, the outside world.
The costume I thought was me was a loud fearful dead dinosaur towering over the herd of buffalo heading towards the cliff of unconsciousness at breakneck speed. Everything in my body and soul screamed “YOU DO NOT BELONG HERE. THESE ARE NOT YOUR PEOPLE!” These messages terrified me in my sleep because I believed the lie that the people in my life were all I had to define me. Yes, the ones who raised me were experts in the field of lies. This was a far cry from a field of dreams. As that young adult I had already determined that I was a waste of space, too ugly, too tall too low of an IQ to ever be worthy of a happy life like everyone I was surrounded by. The “In Your Face” culture had me fixated on imitating it, no matter how hard I had to push my body and my personality to “step up” and “claim the lion within”. I assure you that imitation of the extroverts I was surrounded with was like walking on broken glass. Eventually your feet toughen up.
Underneath, I had no words to speak up for my preferences. I was raised to serve the needy, and they knocked on my door morning, noon and night. Serving serving serving, giving giving giving. How come I was doing the “RIGHT” thing for others always others? I look at my younger self and most of the women I connect with from day to day and want to wake them up. Women were never designed to give until they have nothing left!
My self-hate during my 20’s and 30’s was boundless, continually surprising me with its capacity to cause pain, longing, self-pity and horror at how WRONG every aspect of me was in the society I found myself in. I worked really hard to care about loud music, money, success, prosperity, taking advantage of other’s weaknesses, but I failed miserably on a consistent basis. I tried so hard to like the men I attracted, but was repulsed by their energy and each attempt at a relationship ended miserably.
On and on until I FINALLY came to the end of what I thought to be my Self. The wise part of me could then speak up. “If this is how you are going to make me live, I AM DONE. This is useless.”
When I gave up my pretense of being the extroverted cheerful person I was NOT, oh my, the most amazing thing happened.
I discovered I had been wrong about myself all along. I could choose again. Wow!
Now is the time to look past the distortions of who you think you are that feel so real. The people places and things around you are meaningless in determining your value and your worth.
The magic of life is not some dusty fairy-tale for children. The magic and miracle of life IS the child we once were. The child within holds the secret key to our unique, one of a kind beauty and everything we have been tricked into thinking is outside of us.
As I question the lies of who I believed I was with all my heart and stop asking myself really bad questions, like “How I should I offer my time, my sympathy, my devotion to those who just keep taking and taking” my heart opens to the purity and innocence of the Child Within. She is now relaxing and feeling safer to be her quiet, sweet and loving self.
Oh yes, her favourite thing in the whole wide world is sparkles.
Feel the child within you. Is he/she asking you to choose again in 2017?
Please contact me via the contact link if you want to know more about your inner child.