Have you found your map to happiness yet? Do you believe it is possible for each of us to attain? I do now and it is very different from a time when I thought I had it all figured out and was really excited.
As I emerged from the cocoon of my childhood, I found myself with a group of new friends standing in front of a dance club called “Night Moves”. I was 19, I had never been to a dance and was excited to see what awaited me inside. The door opened and I was bedazzled by what looked to me like a packed theatre with flashing lights, fun music and young people running down to center stage where the dance action was. A sense of euphoria bubbled up inside me as I tuned into the lyrics of “Centerfield”. “Put me in coach, I’m ready to play the game…” I told myself “Yes, I’m ready to play!” Like an undercover explorer I ordered my first alcoholic drink and followed my friends to the dance floor. For a few hours I was at a party where nothing else mattered except having fun with my friends. I had never experienced anything like this and I loved the whole experience.
Coming out of a culture/religion/home life where the rules were never questioned and anyone exhibiting more than a smile was suspect, I felt liberated from all of that at the dance club. Inside myself though, was a whole other reality. I was a confused mess, like a ship without a sail, my life made no sense and everything I had believed in had let me down.
After that introduction to dance clubs, my pursuit of happiness kicked in. I gave myself a make-over and jumped in with both feet. Dancing the night away became my favourite and contouring my “plain” face into sophisticated glamour made me feel like a cover girl. I spent much of my spare time catching up on popular music so I wouldn’t be caught never having heard a song. It was so awesome to “forget all my worries, forget all my cares” which the song “Downtown” told me I could. For a while, it seemed to work like magic. I convinced myself that my past was over and didn’t matter. I got a job, paid my rent, and lived the lyrics of “Working for the Weekend”.
The religious drama of my childhood was exchanged for my very own soap opera. I got caught up in the ups and downs of the lives of my new circle of party going friends. My big challenge was keeping the names straight of everyone who came in and out of my life! The emotional highs and lows were extreme.
As the years rolled by, I started noticing how empty I felt when I was by myself. People I got attached to left or let me down in an old familiar pattern. Lasting connections seemed elusive and the long-standing faces started looking old and tired. People moved on and started “real” lives, as I called them, and I felt a desire for a home and family too. As year after year passed this new definition of happiness became more and more elusive. Convinced I would be a complete failure without a partner, I tried harder to “correct” what the self-help books told me was wrong with me, all to no avail. I fell into cynicism, disillusionment, and depression. I searched in vain for the perfect self-help book to fix myself.
There was an agitation within that was hard to identify because it had always been within me. If you have ever lifted the lid during a washing machine’s wash cycle you have a hint of my former inner life. The pursuit of happiness on all of the many roads I had followed had led to dead ends and I was stuck with myself. Poor me! I was the last person I wanted to be alone with. Hmmm, what was that all about? I wasn’t sure but it felt really scary at the time.
I was determined to fake it till I made it, and admitting that I didn’t know how to be my idea of a success just about killed me. “Never let them see you sweat” was the commercial of the day that sums up my outlook. Yes, this rule was real, at least to me! There I was, run by painful beliefs that had me acting even to myself that I was “fine”. When I came to see that I had been raised to focus on people and circumstances outside of myself to determine my internal value, my life experiences began to make sense. A part of me had concluded that attention = love and it was running my roller coaster emotions which left me really tired!
As I kept opening to more and more truth about the beliefs that I had created that were causing me such emotional turmoil, I came to see that my experience of the pursuit of happiness stemmed from a desire to feel alive and vibrant. Yes! Vibrant and alive! Turns out that I was on a treasure hunt my whole life for this experience, I just didn’t know it. I had squeezed myself into a teeny tiny box of what happiness was and I was way too big a being to fit. As my false beliefs come to awareness I exchange them for new empowering beliefs, yay! Self-partnering has been an awakening into the depth and foundation of who I am from the Divine Perspective. Tapping into my eternal nature has led me to experience expansion and bliss and I now believe that I am coming home to the happiness within, and that has made all the difference.
How cool is it to change scripts in the middle of our life story? Have you or anyone you know done this? Type in the comment box below to share your pursuit of happiness.